Success

I am so excited! I weighed myself this morning and I have lost.....

dRuM rOlL pLeAsE.....

4lbs!

I am so glad I did well last week. Now I just need to keep these successes rolling and I will reach my goal weight in no time! I will blog more later...I only had a quick sec to tell you my news!

Weeks Plan

So my plan for this week is simple!

Elliptical 3days this week. -Monday -Wednesday -Friday....about 30min each day.

Consume no more than 1200-1400cal each day.

Walk with my mom every day. (short walk tomorrow my long workday and long walk the rest of the week)

Play Wii as much as possible! ♥

Billy and I got a Wii finally! I have been wanting one forever. It is great fun and while I really don't care if it boosts my weight loss I think that it might. It totally gets your heart going and my arms are already sore from boxing LOL! Hopefully it will yield some results but I am not going to depend on it. We are considering getting a Wii Fit board but I just don't know if I want to. That is a lot of money to spend on something just to help me lose weight. I got my elliptical for my birthday and I will be honest I barely use it. I always find excuses not to. I have no problem walking every day but climbing on that thing is hard then I thought! That is why my goal this week is three days a week. It seems less daunting. I won't have a lot of guilt associated with the machine if I only PLAN on using it 3 days. And I am walking with my mom or by myself every day so really it is a good plan I think.

So that is that. I am terrified to weigh myself this week. I think I have done ok but I guess we'll just have to see.

Oh and I also bought the Alli starter set. I am not using it yet though. It was on sale...a really good sale and I just couldn't pass it up. I am no good with being on very specific diets because I am going to eat what I want no matter what. So...I am hesitant. I need to read the pamphlets through and through and see if the way I eat will work and if it does then hey...why not? But that is a while off. Prob about two weeks if I do it.

I am gonna go climb on my elliptical now. getting rid of my baby weight one tiny goal at a time.

☺

WiShEs oN eYeLaShEs...

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan." Eleanor Roosevelt

CRAP.

oh my oh my.

Depressing. Get ready. I cheated on Sunday and snuck a little peak at the ol' scale before my official weigh in day tomorrow. Guess what? I have gained weight!!!!!! I was sooo sure that I had lost soooooo much weight the last week. I was so proud that even though I had been sick two weeks straight and feeling crummy I was still vigilant about eating well. I ate so good. Healthy...smaller portions.

I weigh 205lbs. I gained 3lbs since last week. I know it is not the end of the world. And if anything it really just encourages me to work even harder now that I can work out and eat better. I literally could not work out the last couple of weeks. When I did work out it just put me over the edge and halted any getting betterness I was doing. =(

There is a part of me that upon learning this news was like. Shit. I give up. Life hates me. But luckily I hate my body. I hate seeing myself in pictures and I loath being around people with my new body. I don't feel like me anymore. And I want me back. I know that if I can just stick with this crazy goal of mine and really do it even just get on the right track and start getting results I will feel better. I know it becuase I felt GREAT when I was losing good weight in January. I want that back! Fatty that is what I am and I am tired of it. I don't even care who gets mad for me calling myself that. I am not a skinny. that is for sure. So Fatty it is. FOR NOW.

Oh and today? Well you can just put TODAY in the trash can. I ate like shit. I ate all kinds of shit actually. It was potluck day at work and I just went to town. I also had starbucks this morning and a pumpkin loaf. It was insane. I had a little procedure done on my toes so I can't really work out today BUT tomorrow IT IS ON! I am going to literally work my ass off. CARDIO CARDIO CARDIO. And then see where that gets me. As well as eating well. At least I am in the habit now whether it worked or not of eating better healthier smaller portions. (today is an exception and believe me I am paying for it.) I am sick of TALKING about getting into a good routine...I am just ready to get into one. I know that is what I need to do to get results. I know I need to get results to feel better and I know I need to feel better to take this thing all the way to 70lbs.

So yes. Today. Crap.

Tomorrow. A NEW DAY.

wEeKeNd ♥ gOaLs

I love the weekends. It is so nice hanging around doing nothing! ahhhhh I LOVE IT! I am still sick. Blegh. I wish it would just go away. I have been much more active this week than last though which is good. At a cost though. I am exhausted.

I am looking forward to feeling better. That is for sure. Emotionally I have been doing a lot of healing. Like I said in my last post I know that it is completely up to me how happy I am and I am choosing to be happy. No matter what is going on or bugging me. As far as weight loss I plan on at least going for a walk and doing my elliptical 20-30 minutes every day on my nice 3 day weekend. I have been eating very well. My goal each day for calorie intake is between 1200-1400 calories a day and I have barely been reaching 1200 a day all week. Hopefully on weigh in day I can catch up. I still really want to reach my goal of 30lbs by June and believe me if I lose more than that it will not hurt my feelings.

Soooooooooooooooooooo....it has been a while since I have done a recap on my goals. Here they are.

When I started in January I was 215lbs. The Last time I weighed myself I weighed 202lbs. (I hoped that I would have lost some poundage being sick the last week and I didn't.)

My goal weight is 145lbs.

To reach that goal I get to lose 70lbs. I have lost 13lbs so far and have 57lbs still to go! Woot woot for goals!

I split my 70lbs goal into two parts. 30lbs by the end of June and 40lbs by December. (I left 40 for December because by then I will be in better shape.)

I have 17lbs left to lost by the end of June!

So there is the break down. I think it is time for a nap right about now....I am not feeling so well!

Happy on the InSiDe....♥

Well. After a lot of venting, wining and generally feeling like crap. I got sick. Imagine that. ( I believe my friend DreAnn has been telling me health follows thought or some such thing forever now..) I have been sick since Thursday so let's just not even discuss working out. It hasn't been happening. Period. I may have lost weight though because I haven't had much of an appetite.

I have however (when I am not sleeping) been thinking a lot about what is bothering me. What is really bothering me. I started to get worried that maybe I am suffering from post partum depression. I just haven't been able to get happy. It used to be so easy for me. I was always happy I generally liked everyone. And then pregnancy and birth and hormones...and you get the picture. bitchiness has taken over...which has caused guilt...guilt like I am sure some have never seen. It is amazing how bad I can make myself feel. Other things that have been eating at me are...I am unhappy with my body...I am not sure what is going on with me at work. I never worried too much about it and now that I have Oliver to provide for every little thing just stresses me out.

Anyways all this is going on and really I just feel like I should be happy. I am doing what I can to improve my body. Billy and I are taking steps to improve our finances so honestly that area can't stress me too much because I am working on it. I have the best baby ever. He is so calm and sweet. And Billy and I have never been closer. My family and I have never been closer. I have a great job. It pays well. I like most of the people I work with. They promote a positive environment. Yet knowing all of this, constantly reminding myself of all of this...I can't seem to just breathe in and out...and be happy.

Instead I am mean...I cry a lot over nothing much at all...and I am carrying around guilt like ugh.

Then today. ahhhh glorious today. I woke up. Still sick. I went to UMC quick care to nip this cold right in the butt before going back to work tomorrow. I went to CVS after to fill my prescriptions and bought a magazine called 'Self'. Got medicated...took as long a nap as Oliver would let me and then started flipping through 'Self' magazine. It is great. It has everything I want to read and none of the things I am not interested in. I think I have found my new magazine for my life. Let's face it I am not leading the life of a 'Cosmopolitan' single-sexcapades-fun-n-flirty kind of girl anymore. This magazine has just what I need. Literally. There is in article in this month's issue called 'Find The Happy In Every Day'. It is basically an excerpt from a book that the editor of the magazine recently wrote called ' The Nine Rooms of Happiness'. It is a great article and kind of long so I am only going to mention what really caught me and what I think will help me in the future.

*She mentioned how emotional health is like your body's health. It is something that needs to be worked on and cultivated and you need to get emotionally healthy sometimes just like you need to get body healthy.

(What an IDEA!)

*She likens all of our different troubles and problems to different rooms in a hypathetical house. She talks about how we carry around our different troubles that really belong only in one room to a bunch of different rooms.

(for example the bathroom of our house is where all body image emotions should stay..however I carry this around with me like it's glued to my hip and let it infect and dirty all the other areas of my house (or life.))

*She listed 9 'Happiness Helpers' I am not going to list the strategy just the keys...

1. You can't live in the past. Now is it.

2.Be authentic; Be true to you.

3. You can change only yourself.

4.We don't complete each other. We overlap.

5. It's not all about you.

6.Conflict can be ok.

7.Actions speak louder than words. -this one was my favorite. It says: "When you can't express yourself, you tend to misbehave in passive but noticeable ways..." I totally have been doing this.

8.Know your limits. Be strong to help others.

9. Go (with the status quo) or grow.

I am not sure if you are getting why this helped me and I really only blogged it because reading this article has been like a light on in my head. I am so ready to take control of my own life. I really get to decide to be happy. No one else can do it for me. I am sick of hearing myself whine on and on about all that is 'wrong' or bothering me.

"If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms on life, you must accept the terms it offers you." TS Elliott

Here is the link to the article that changed my life so you can view it online. I hope it can help you how it has helped me.

http://www.self.com/health/2010/03/nine-happiness-helpers

general ranting and such

Geez. I sure wish people would keep their eyes to themselves. I have had the oppurtunity to see a few people that haven't seen me since I was pregnant (or some before I was preggo) and they always ask the same questions. You know how it goes...how are you doing? how is the baby...? And I glow and smile and tell them how much I love him...what a great baby he is. Then this question comes. How old is he now? I smile and say "4 months. I can't believe how time is just flying by. hahaha...." And then it happens. everyone does it. Their eyes scan up and down my body to check in and see how I have changed since having a child. Usually their eyes stop for a moment right at my midsection checking to see how much weight I have left to lose. And the reason I know this is what they are doing is becuase I used to do it. I still do it actually. I have just become a little more sneeky about it. It just sucks. I don't want people eyeing me like that. I know I don't look that great right now. Do they have to make that discovery standing right in front of me?

The good thing is that I am doing something about it. I am well on my way to losing this weight it just sucks. I will admit I want instant gratification. Being over weight and SOOOO much heavier than I used to be is sucking the life right out of me. I hate the looks I get all the time now. The skinny girls at work that complain they want to 'tone up' or lose 2lbs won't even listen to me anymore when I talk about the 70lbs I want to lose. The looks they give me are aweful too. It's like hello a little support please? I know it is going to be a while before people are like wow Chelsee you have a lost a lot of weight but really? Do they have to get quiet and give me pitiful looks when I talk about how I am doing? I don't even bring it up anymore. And when it is brought up in front of me people just get quiet and change the subject. Ugh.

Can I just say I am sick of girls in general? They suck. I have never had the pleasure of having one really good friend that is a girl unless you count my sister in law who lives far away now and we never really get to talk. Man I am going through some crazy mind shit right now and I feel completely alone. I feel like no one wants to listen to me. Even though I listen to them all the time with any kind of problems they have and try to cheer them up best that I can when they are sad. I need to quite expecting people to care about me when I am not happy. When I am not having any problems poeple are everywhere for me. But as soon as I become a sad-crap-bag where is everyone? Where do they go? I get that no one wants to be around someone that is being negative but holy cow. It just makes me feel worse ya know? When I am sad I guess I need to just rely on myself for cheer. For strength and advice. Other people never seem to have the energy or care to listen to me anymore.

Man I am a downer. Sorry. I just needed to rant a little bit today. I am not eating emotionally anymore and so I have no outlet for all these feelings flying around my brain anymore. ugh.

On a positive note....I have been eating well. Very good in fact. Yesterday I was sick so I barely ate anything at all but what I did eat was full of vitamins and goodness. I feel like it set me on the right track for today. I am feeling a little ill still but over all ok. I just need to get through work with out having a break down and then go to my happy place at home with my boys. ♥

Ho To Be An Effective Adult

I wish I really knew how to be an effective adult. I have been so lost recently. Not sure how I feel about anything. One of my favorite blogs that I read "The Token Fat Girl" had exactly what I needed on this fine Wednesday afternoon.After going to the grocery store to get stamps and buy myself some flowers on my lunch break I was about to seek counseling thinking that I was suffering from post partum depression or some such thing when I read this...

"Everything is related and I just wish sometimes that I could be like other people. Okay with being at the same job for the rest of their lives, okay with simple day to day security, okay with watching the same network tv shows after work, okay with never dancing, or changing the color of my hair, or how I dress, or never wondering that I'm giving enough of myself, or never accomplishing anything. I worry about losing friends, or never making new friends, or never being a truly kind or likable person. Just okay with being, just as I am for the rest of my life. I envy those people, but grateful that I'm not.

I always ask myself "will i be okay if i go my whole life without doing __________" and the answer is almost always no. But, it's not possible to do everything in one life. I worry about never making enough money to travel, to visit new cities, to visit old cities that I once loved, to own my own business, to raise a child, to eat good food. I worry about getting stuck, complacent, comfortable. I worry about being one of those women who has the same hair style for 15 years, that ones I see sobbing on Oprah makeover specials. The ones that forget who they were, their dreams and some how changing their hair, changes everything. Even though it has nothing to do with their hair."

My husband is very much like the people in the first paragraph. He is so comfortable with our life at the moment and all I can think about is how I can make it better...better by moving or staying home with Oliver full time...going back to school...figuring out how to get into our dream home...how to pay for Oliver's college. The list goes on and on. Weightloss is just one thing that keeps me up at night. The rest is the gravity of realizing that I am an ADULT! I have a life that will be looking to me for answers for the rest of his adorable little life! What if I fail!?! What if I don't teach him enough or if we are poor forever because my husband is 'happy the way we are'? Then I feel bad for not just living for the moment and enjoying my life fully as is. I have a great WONDERFUL husband (he is hott too!) and the most adorable baby boy. I have a good job and we are so lucky to have the child care of my mom and sister. I just. I don't know. I am worrying day and night.

Any who! My 23yrold life crisis aside! Weigh in was today! I have lost 4lbs in the last week! WOOT WOOT! I am so so happy! Still working on a routine that works off work and on work but apparently something I am doing is working. So today I shall celebrate my week's success. After about 5 more lbs I will weigh less than BILLY! Now that will really be a celebration! You have no idea how much it bothers me to weigh more than my husband!

Love to you! ♥ ♥

I will write again very soon! (I know it has been a while.)

Getting Through The Day...

Today had been a hard day. Stinky. I didn't like it. On my first morning that I planned on waking up early to work out Oliver had a rough night. And this is so rare. He usually sleeps right through the night. However last night he woke up at 2:30am wanting to be held and didn't go back to sleep until after 4am. So of course when my alarm went off at 5am i was only awake enough to turn it off and chuck my phone across the room.

So this means that today's work out is all up to tonight. I will get to do my elliptical of course =). I think that might be all though. Billy doesn't want me walking alone at night which makes sense. Maybe I will do my Jillian Michaels DVD. It is so embarrassing though when Billy is there and can see me do it. I am so uncoordinated and I huff and puff and sound like I am dying when I do it. LOL.

Ugh. My montly curse is here today too. I feel all bloated. Back to the preggo eggo days almost. Yuck.

Also I am dying slightly because I had no 2:30pm Red Bull! I usually have a red bull but I am cutting back on those and so I am dying. People my age are habign heart attacks because of these things and I am having one a day! Man it is 3:45pm and I am lagging. No idea how I will get anything done. I did make some tea but it is weak sauce after those giant delicious Red Bulls I am used to.

Man listen to me complaining! Eek! My day really isn't THAT bad. I have had worse I need to be a little more positive. But what can I say. I am tired.

So here's to (raising my glass of tea) getting through the sleepiest day of my life and keeping my goals while doing.

Those Bad Mother Runners

I just went for a GREAT walk with Oliver. It was so fantastic! I always feel so good when I do but today I feel like I got a great work out in because I found this awesome new trail. We have a lot of cool stuff within walking distance of our house. I found this great walkway meant for walking, jogging, bike riding and it goes between two great parks and a bunch of shops (one of which has delicious frozen yogurt although I had none today).

Today on my walk I went into a shop called Fleet Feet it is a store for runners and they sell shoes specifically fitted for your type of feet. It is a great little shop. I went in there to see if they had any pedometers so I can keep track of how many calories I am burning on my walks. He said they would have some in like two weeks. I just looked around for a minute.

Man. Runners are so inspiring arn't they? That store made me want to be a runner so bad! They are so fit and so energized. They have the greatest most fit looking bodies. They have the greatest athletic wear. (come on ladies your were thinking it!) I mean the little tennis kind of skirts or the sports bras and little shorty shorts they run in. They had this one shirt that said 'Bad Mother Runner" on it. I wanted it. I want to be a Bad Mother Runner. =)

That store really energized me and made me want to keep up with my goals and get a real good routine going. Who knows. Maybe once I can keep up with walking every day I will start running. The guy at the store said just to start really slow. Run for two minutes and walk for three. Then run for two minutes and walk for three. So that is my goal. I am going to go for a walk every day before work. And if that gets to be hard because of how crazy our mornings already are then I will switch to evenings.

Ahh what a great day. And now Oliver is screaming at me to pay attention to him. ♥

Love to you!