Gloria IS BACK!

dun dun dun!!!! (dramatic organ sounds...)

Gloria is back!

hehehe. Ok so when I was younger and used to drink way more than was good for anyone...I gave myself an alternate persona. Because I noticed when I was drunk I became a different kind of person. I was louder...I cried a lot...I was mean sometimes. So I started calling myself Gloria while I was intoxicated. (I know funny and kind of sad at the same time...)

Ok so I am not proud of it but when I started doing that it somehow made me more conscious of the fact that I was acting in a way that I didn't like. I did not like 'Gloria' so I decided to see less and less of her and now me and this Gloria person are basically strangers. Well I decided to bring Gloria back and now let me tell you she has a whole new set of problems....

This is relevant to my weightloss I just figured it out. I was just in the kitchen at work and all these goodies were out tempting me to indulge and I was thinking "NO NO do not eat them." And then everytime I walked past them there was another voice...a voice saying "eat them they are so delicious." And I was thinking...does the indulgent fat side of me want this or do 'I' really want this. And the answer is that NO! 'I' really do not want those yummy delicious goodies because they make me just a little bit too booty-licious and make me sad and mopey when I don't hit my weight loss goals.

Am I making any sense? So I have decided to bring Gloria back into my life. Not that I am going to go on a drinking bender or anything I just want to keep myself in check. Now when I want to be lazy or indulgent or sneak a bit here or there I can just ask myself...

...Is it Gloria that wants to do that...or do I really deserve a treat?

Now you may be thinking...Chelsee you have lost it. Not only do you have really bad self esteem issues...but now you have a multiple personality disorder! But I think it is just one more tool that I can use to convince myself to just do it! To just eat right and work out and reach all of my goals.

Who knows. Maybe the bitch Gloria will help me to get er' done!

♫...LiFe...♪

Well. It is Monday. I did not start the Alli weightloss aid pill yet. I am starting it today. I thought we would go shopping early on Saturday so I could be totally healthy but we didn't go until late that day...so I pushed it to today.

ahhh....I love my Monday's with Oliver. And I am so lucky I get a five day weekend with Oliver this week! I work Tuesday and Wednesday and then we don't have babysitters for Thursday or Friday so I am staying home with Ollie! ♥ YAY! ♥ I am very excited about it. I can't even tell you how badly I wish every week was like that! Maybe one day though...maybe if Billy gets a raise one day soon I can go to working just 2 days a week. I really want to make the most of my time off though because who knows when I will have 5 consecutive days off again. Speaking of my Oliver. He is getting so big! Here are some updates...

He is eating baby food now. Which is just so much fun for us! I love watching his reaction to all the flavors and textures. And he gets so messy! That is taking some getting used to because I am totally that mom that wants everything neat and clean. (we will see how long that will last..boys are so messy.)

He is also very rambunctious these days. (I have no idea how to spell that word) He laughs and giggles and plays and gets mad at us. I just love it. He is not close to crawling at all though. He doesn't even try. He hates being on his belly. I just can't believe he is almost 6months. crazy.

I think that he just started teething(for real) last night. He was very sad and we gave him some baby orajel and for the first time it worked to calm him down. So we will see how he does with that can of worms! AAACK!

Here are some pictures of our cute boy! ♥

He just melts my heart. I love him. I can't wait to see more of his personality as he gets older. He is till our mellow boy though even with the teething and rambunctiousness.

As for weightloss. Hmmm is all that I can really say. I plan on going for a walk with Ollie today. I think we will do my elliptical today too instead of the Your Shape game. I did that one yesterday and the day before. I have a lot of motivation to lose this last 10lbs before June. That will keep me on target. Let's see...we are going to Michigan in June...I want to have some clear progress by that time. I don't want to be Billy's fat wife that couldn't lose the baby weight ya know? geez that sounds so bad but that is really how my mind works. It is strange too because I don't judge others as harshly as I judge myself. We are also going to have family pictures done sometime soon. We only had Oliver's pics done last time. So I want to at least look ok if I have to stare at these pics until we get new ones done next year. I also bought some size 12 pants that I am excited to wear a long with all the other clothes I could wear before I got pregnant. I really want to fit into cute clothes. It will be so nice when I can get dressed up to go somewhere and feel cute! I miss that feeling. Now I just feel...yucky.

Anywho enough of that. I added a new section to the right of my blog. It is about books I am reading. I am finding more and more that I am only interested in reading books that I feel that teach me something interesting or how to make my life better...more fulfilled. So check that section our every once in a while since it will change. Also as soon as I am done with this posting I am going to do a special posting all about DrEaMs...something anyone that knows me knows I like to do a lot of! ♥

Well that is that....I will come back soon and blog some more! ♥

I Am Lazy Smurf

Ok. We have all heard this song from me before. So I will spare you the wining about how lazy I have been. I have been this:







For the last couple of weeks. The results are that I have gained 1lb. I am at 196lbs. And have lost no weight.


So. I am getting back into it. Although I did enjoy all my relaxation I deserve the body of my dreams and I am going to acheive it damn it!

I haven't blogged in a while...I had a sick baby...which let me tell you is about the worst thing in the world. His poor lil self was sooo out of it all weekend and monday and tuesday too. It broke my heart! His face was so blank and all he wanted to do was sleep and cuddle. Poor lil guy. He is much better now! Smiling and laughing and brightening our lives every day.

I think also that I have spring fever! I am loving the weather lately! I have been leaving the doors at our house open and smelling the air over and over again. I hope summer never comes! I just love love love spring time! Billy told me that in Michigan they have weather like that until around July or so. JEALOUS! One day we will live there though and I will get four whole seasons!!!!!! WINTER SPRING SUMMER & FALL! Imagine that! One cool thing about our weather though is that the last couple of days out of no where it was chilly and it rained! And a friend from work and I ran in the rain. Rain just brings so much joy into my life. I love the smell the sound the way the sky looks...just everything! So it was like a little bonus!

So anyways as for my weight loss I have a couple of new weapons of fat destruction in my arsenal. mwa-ah-ah!

A while back I bought the Alli starter kit. Starting on Saturday I am going to start taking that. I have gotten very good with my diet so I trust myself. And Billy and I bought a wii which is so much fun and totally gives at least my arms a work out! Billy bought me a work out game for it. It is the 'Your Shape' work out by Jenny McCarthy. I have only done it twice but I like it so far. It has a camera attached so that you can see what you look like doing the work outs and make sure you are doing it right. Something I struggle a lot with since I am about as coordinated as a cow. ♥

Other things I have always had are....

I still have my elliptical, Billy actually enjoys going for walks with me when he is not on call and the weather is beautiful so we can go for hikes and walks in the mountains and around the neighborhood. I also have the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred video that I have yet to complete more than 3 days in a row. I have a balance ball and weights and geez. I have everything I need to get into shape...now I just need to make the commitment to at least 3-5 work outs a week and follow through with it! So that is that.

I really want to start blogging more about all the things in my life. Weight loss is all well and good but there is more than that going on...my cute little family is thriving and I am so grateful for them. So look for more updates on family and personal stuff instead of just my weightloss journey. All of that impacts my weight/self esteem anyways. ♥

Well this has been an all of ther place blog entry LOL! I will be back soon! ♥

Lovely

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
-Victor Hugo

Hit the Snooze-BLEGH

I cannot wake up early. I know I need to and I just can't! This is me...

Having lovely dreams and then just turning the stupid thing off and then I fall back to sleep before I even realize what I am doing! It is so frusterating. I know that waking up at 4:30am is the only way I am going to get through this 30 day shred. I have too much taking care of the family stuff to do in the evenings and by the time I am done it is too late! I am pooped and say ahhhhh forget it. But at 4:30am there is nothing else I should be doing except for sleeping...there is nothing else weighing on my mind that I should be doing at that time... (cuddling my cute baby....cooking dinner...balancing budgets...keeping track of bills and mail...cuddling my cute husband...organizing laundry...cleaning cat boxes...washing dishes/sanatizing bottles...ugh the list goes on....)

So I am looking for ideas on how to get my butt out of bed! I set my phone alarms. There are 3 of them! And yet I can go through all three turning them off with out even realizing it until and hour and a half later when Billy is kicking me out of bed.

ideas?

Moderation is the key/ Weigh In

Well let's just scrap all of last week!

I was bad. I think that I was celebrating being down a solid 20lbs and being on track for my 30lbs by June. I am not really sure. All I know is I indulged one time and it was so hard to go back to being good. And I was so painfully lazy too! UGH! I know I preach about the 80/20 rule but I am not good at it myself. At first I was but these days I either need all or nothin...no nibbles here and there. Healthy or no. And then maybe eventually I can get into having like sat and sunday being my official cheat days once I get like a month of goodness in me.

I am determined to get back on track! Weigh in was today. I am down one pound. So I weigh 195lbs. I went and bought new pants for work finally. I have gone from a size 18 to a size 14. WOOT WOOT! That was very motivating because I did stare longingly at a size 10 for a minute thinking about when I felt huge wearing that size instead of an 8.

So that is what is going on with me. Mostly just busy trying to keep my little family organized...on a budget...and happy! I still have yet to get into a really good workout routine. I am not sure what it is going to take for that. My goal right now is to do my Jillian Michael's 30 day shred for 30 days in a row. Imagine that concept! I have done it one day so far! hehehe...hopefully I find no excuses tonight. I definetly need it.

Well...I will leave you now! Gotta go get my cutie patootie baby food eatin' Oliver!

It has to be said.

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point- that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative- self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. -- Jennifer James

Weekly Weigh In

Well I weighed myself on Tuesday morning! I think that I am going to have to move my weigh in date to Tuesdays because I keep peeking at it that day anyways. So Tuesdays from now on.



Tuesday Morning I weighed.......196lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNDER 200lbs! You have no idea how FANTASTIC that feels! I cried for days when I was pregnant and got above 200lbs! I am really close to weighing less than Billy too! He weighs 195lbs! WOOT WOOT!



I HAVE LOST 20lbs since January! WOOOOOHOOOOO!



The crazy thing is that I know I have more! I know that if I really apply myself I can lose all this weight faster than I am giving myself. I still do not work out every day. I do my best to do something...play wii...walk...do my elliptical. I am in really good eating habits too though. I know that is helping. Just imagine if I started working out twice a day every day! CRAZY!



On the other hand though I am not so sure that 6lbs in one week is a healthy amount to lose? Maybe I have been eating way less than I thouhg. Either way it is cause for celebration. I am just 10lbs away from my June goal (to lose 30lbs by June 31st) and 50lbs away from my December 31st goal (to lose 70lbs)!



SO YAY FOR ME! =)

heavy thoughts is all...

I am struggling so much with having gained all of this weight. It effects me in every single area of my life. I don't know how to love myself fully and be...like this. I look at pictures of me now and pictures of me from just a year and a half ago and it makes me so sad. I don't even look like the same person. I know that it takes time...I know that I am doing what I can...(being 100% embarrassingly honest...I know I could be doing more too and I just don't know why I don't....)and I also know that a change as drastic as the one that I want can't happen over night. It is just hard.

the emotional effects are so surprising to me. I hate the looks I get from skinny people when I bring up my weight. I try not to talk about it all the time and they just give me this look like 'you are fat. period. do something about it.' like it is that easy. Or they just constantly check me out to see if I have lost the weight yet. It makes me want to stay inside my house all day every day and never come out until I look the way I used to.

I think that I rely too much on others reactions to figure out what I think of myself. I can go all day having built myself up in the morning thinking I look nice and cute and I did a great job dressing myself and on my hair and make up....then one person's look or comments can just topple all of that work to make myself feel good. And no one is mean to me. It is not like I have people telling me what a nasty fat ass I am...it is just their silence or when they say man you look tired (when i think I look awesome) or when they say things like 'My friend...she's even bigger than you are chelsee...' or when they attempt to push their own weight loss techniques on me and think if I am not a super gym freak then I have no reason to feel bad about my weight.

It just hurts being like this. And I know that it is all in my head. I know that it is all my own BS. It is really effecting me at work. I have no confidence what so ever in my work...in my skills...in my appearance. I am letting jealousy and coveting what other poeple have or look like absolutely RULE my existence. It is making me miserable. I hate it. It seems like just when I am in a good place I see a recent picture of myself and get pushed back to perspective of how big I am...or I will see someone that is losing weight faster than me with less effort...or I will see someone getting more attention than me..more recognition then me and think it is because of how they look or flirt with those in charge. UGH! It is a poison in my life and I want it gone. I want to like who I am and have confidence in myself and my abilities regardless of how I dress or look. It is very hard at work though being surrounded by so many skinny beautiful women. I want to WANT to go out and see people and do things and instead I want to curl up in a ball and not be around anyone because I get crazy anxiety getting dressed or knowing I am going to see someone that knew me when I was skinny. I want to throw on some sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt and hibernate until I get skinny.

Ugh. All of these weird feelings just hurt is all and I am totally doing it to myself. Other people can't help that they are pretty or skinny or better than me at stuff. I get to just learn how to love myself for who I am...fat skinny or inbetween. I just am not sure how to do it when most of the time the bad feelings are so much stronger than the good ones. Man this weight thing which as you can see is really just a self esteem thing seems like a huge hurdle. It is making me mentally unstable I think.

I guess I just need to keep on truckin. So if you have ever felt like you are sabotaging your own life or like you have poisonous thoughts stuck in your veins...I understand! I totally understand.

At least I feel better now after getting all the weird stuff out in words. kind of. lol. I am just going to keep working out and keep eating well and eventually I know it will pay off. No one said this journey would be easy.