heavy thoughts is all...

I am struggling so much with having gained all of this weight. It effects me in every single area of my life. I don't know how to love myself fully and be...like this. I look at pictures of me now and pictures of me from just a year and a half ago and it makes me so sad. I don't even look like the same person. I know that it takes time...I know that I am doing what I can...(being 100% embarrassingly honest...I know I could be doing more too and I just don't know why I don't....)and I also know that a change as drastic as the one that I want can't happen over night. It is just hard.

the emotional effects are so surprising to me. I hate the looks I get from skinny people when I bring up my weight. I try not to talk about it all the time and they just give me this look like 'you are fat. period. do something about it.' like it is that easy. Or they just constantly check me out to see if I have lost the weight yet. It makes me want to stay inside my house all day every day and never come out until I look the way I used to.

I think that I rely too much on others reactions to figure out what I think of myself. I can go all day having built myself up in the morning thinking I look nice and cute and I did a great job dressing myself and on my hair and make up....then one person's look or comments can just topple all of that work to make myself feel good. And no one is mean to me. It is not like I have people telling me what a nasty fat ass I am...it is just their silence or when they say man you look tired (when i think I look awesome) or when they say things like 'My friend...she's even bigger than you are chelsee...' or when they attempt to push their own weight loss techniques on me and think if I am not a super gym freak then I have no reason to feel bad about my weight.

It just hurts being like this. And I know that it is all in my head. I know that it is all my own BS. It is really effecting me at work. I have no confidence what so ever in my work...in my skills...in my appearance. I am letting jealousy and coveting what other poeple have or look like absolutely RULE my existence. It is making me miserable. I hate it. It seems like just when I am in a good place I see a recent picture of myself and get pushed back to perspective of how big I am...or I will see someone that is losing weight faster than me with less effort...or I will see someone getting more attention than me..more recognition then me and think it is because of how they look or flirt with those in charge. UGH! It is a poison in my life and I want it gone. I want to like who I am and have confidence in myself and my abilities regardless of how I dress or look. It is very hard at work though being surrounded by so many skinny beautiful women. I want to WANT to go out and see people and do things and instead I want to curl up in a ball and not be around anyone because I get crazy anxiety getting dressed or knowing I am going to see someone that knew me when I was skinny. I want to throw on some sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt and hibernate until I get skinny.

Ugh. All of these weird feelings just hurt is all and I am totally doing it to myself. Other people can't help that they are pretty or skinny or better than me at stuff. I get to just learn how to love myself for who I am...fat skinny or inbetween. I just am not sure how to do it when most of the time the bad feelings are so much stronger than the good ones. Man this weight thing which as you can see is really just a self esteem thing seems like a huge hurdle. It is making me mentally unstable I think.

I guess I just need to keep on truckin. So if you have ever felt like you are sabotaging your own life or like you have poisonous thoughts stuck in your veins...I understand! I totally understand.

At least I feel better now after getting all the weird stuff out in words. kind of. lol. I am just going to keep working out and keep eating well and eventually I know it will pay off. No one said this journey would be easy.